Never wait for parking again! Just print out the included image of a universal handicapped parking permit, hang it on your rear view mirror, and watch the stares of envy. We’ve done all the work. All you have to do is fill in your state and desired expiration date!

You could also go the more expensive route (insurance usually pays, so who cares?) and get a doctor’s office to write a letter certifying you as crippled and indigent. There, a bunion becomes a useless foot, overeating becomes obese paralysis, and depression becomes a chronic mobility disease like Munchausen Syndrome.

If your sickness provider refuses to grant you your particular disability, then he would be minus a continuous flow of cash money from your health insurance company. However, this is a rarity with no precedent and should give you little worry. There are no losers in the quest for disabilities, or rather, the best free parking spots.

Remember that handicap spaces are extra wide, so you can park your GM Hummer or Land Rover and offload your outlandishly sized stepmother or yourself with ease. If you can’t make the step down from a high SUV, then roar your Corvette up to the blue crosshatched space and make it easy on those old arthritic bones.

An added benefit of the handicap tag is getting escorted to the front of the movie theatre line and extra attentiveness to your ‘needs’ at restaurants. Take your handicap tag with you after parking and hang it around your neck to make sure everyone knows you have a disability.

Still another value about being certified as handicapped is that if any person working at a positive net income business offends you, or a public bathroom sink somewhere is not two feet off the floor, you can drag them into lawsuit court and get thousands of dollars, often millions, for their troubling you.

If the Muslims were to invade the United States tomorrow, would it be worthwhile to defend ourselves?

With divorce, gay marriage, teen sex, abortion, pornography, drugs, illegal immigrants, bankrupt governments, bursting prisons, and the wearing of cocktail dresses and logo T-shirts to church becoming the de facto standard of societal behavior, what is worth defending about the U.S.?

True, there are hamlets of healthy, respectably dressed and moral people scattered about, like in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. However, the Amish are just .00066 percent of the total U.S. population. How did the rest of us get derailed so thoroughly and spectacularly?

It could be the fault of our doping, hippy parents, or possibly bad genetics, but certainly the cumulative damage we have endured needs an abrupt and lasting fix.

Therefore, and with no hesitation, if the Muslims could tone down their violence, genital mutilations, burqa requirements, and a few other distasteful habits, an Islamicized United States would greatly benefit us all.

Immediately, the divorce rate would go down, drugs would be eliminated, children would stop screwing each other, the worst of pornography would be an old Playboy magazine smuggled in, sodomy would be unthinkable, and cocktail dresses and logo T-shirts wouldn’t even be worn in the public street!

Still unsure? Consider this: In post-U.S. Islamicization, a female would not have the freedom to slip on a thong and stretch pants and go down to the neighborhood bar and bed a John Doe at the hourly rate motel.

Primarily, the reason she couldn’t do that is because of her Islamic upbringing and the shame it would bring on her family. Also, the neighborhood police officer would arrest her for lewdness. Finally, there would be no hourly rate motel and no hotel desk clerk would allow an unmarried couple to stay overnight. That’s three layers of protection with no need for a condom!

Every husband must join with his wife in a love that is “essential in binding two whom God joined together inseparably.”

“Great ‘Sex’pectations” by Lysa TerKeurst

James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, said, “Some would say ‘having sex’ and ‘making love’ are one and the same, but there’s an important distinction between the two. The physical act of intercourse can be accomplished by any appropriately matched mammals, as well as most other members of the animal kingdom. But the art of making love, as designed by God, is a much more meaningful and complex experience — it’s physical, emotional, and spiritual. In marriage we should settle for nothing less than a sexual relationship that is expressed not only body-to-body, but heart-to-heart and soul-to-soul.”‘

It’s easy to understand how to connect with your wife body-to-body. Like the song goes, “Just doin’ what comes naturally.” Understanding how to connect heart-to-heart and soul-to-soul is more challenging. These deeper connections are not only possible, but essential in binding two whom God joined together inseparably.

The great “sex”pectations of our society constantly flash the message that being connected body-to-body with another is all about the pleasure that can be gained through the encounter. What if we viewed it as something much more meaningful? For your wife, making love is not an encounter; it is an experience. It’s not something that is turned on for thirty minutes and off for the other twenty-three and a half hours of the day. For her “experience” to be complete, she needs YOU to set the stage for making love by connecting with her heart-to-heart and soul-to-soul throughout the day…. (family.org)

***Breaking news!*** This just in from slickdeals.net: Grandma’s Cookies: 120 packs for $25

Amazon has Grandma’s Cookies on sale for $19.83 per case of 60. Buy 2 cases of 60 (120 total packs of cookies) for $39.66 - $15 (with code CHIPDSCT) = $24.66 for 120 packs of cookies with free shipping. Thanks dagrocer.

Grandma’s Big Cookie, Chocolate Chip
Grandma’s Big Cookie, Peanut Butter
Grandma’s Big Cookie, Oatmean Raisin
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If you are of limited mobility, possibly possessing a handicap driving tag, then you better get chomping on this high sugar, white flour cookie deal! UPS will drive it all to your doorstep!

Free shipping!

Depression of 2009 food tip! Only on Outraged Richard!

Folks, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity! Buy now and freeze them for hard times! You’ll laugh at everybody else when food rationing starts!

Public Enemy #1: The Leafblower

Allergy sufferers, young entrepreneurs, and taxpayers: Take Heed!

Leafblowers are invading your town and they will not stop until every speck of dust, leaf, and debris has been lifted and swirled into the air by an earsplitting engine and blower tube contraption.

They will not stop until every person in the community is hourly sucking on allergy inhalants and wearing noise canceling headphones.

They will not stop until every young person or local worker seeking an entry level neighborhood job like landscaping is forced out of work.

They will not stop until every local taxpayer’s cash money is blown out of their pockets and sent to Mexico courtesy of Bank of America’s SafeSend®

You have been warned.

Readers, we had an extremely difficult time coming to the decision to boycott Amy Adams. She’s so beautiful, and theatrical, and nice. Her skin is blemish free and… she’s so nice. But after her starring role in the Disney movie Enchanted and our correspondent John Overmeier’s movie review, which, in summation described the film as:

Wrapped in a veneer of family friendly fairytale magic and appealing animated animals, kids instead get a dose of broken families, sexual innuendo, chest hair fondling, “swinging” and a bad bout of Christina Aguilera type wailing at the end…. (Enchanted review)

We had to look beyond Amy Adams’ niceness and drop the hammer of morality and put out a request for citizen action.

To market a movie to kids and families, vacuum $40 from a family of four and hold them captive in theater seating, and then throw broken families, adult sexuality, and illegitimate birthing at them is fraudulent and an affront to moral decency.

The fact that Disney hid all this behind an uncorrective veil of humor and “spoofing” is atrocious, especially for the minds of children watching who are yearning for guidance on how to live properly.

To our great consternation, this movie received high marks from movie reviewers, and incredibly—even Christian reviewers completely overlooked the inappropriateness of Enchanted’s backsliding themes.

We urge decent and respectable folk to boycott Amy Adams filmography (imdb.com) and other projects she is participating in until she publicly denounces the movie Enchanted and refrains from dumping broken families, chest hair fondling, and eroticism on innocent children and families.

Communities must return to shaming the immoral and sexually corrupt, and laws must be changed to reflect proper family values.

If a man is disrespecting a woman, rebuke him. If a homosexual is practicing his filthy trade, admonish him on the spot.

As to the law, behold the whirlwind of marriage laws from state to state (lc.org)! Massachusetts rewards perverts with gay marriage, and Alabama denounces the practice and goes so far as to take an interest in marriage between a man and woman:

Alabama: Ala. Code § 30-1-19

Section 1. This act shall be known and may be cited as the “Alabama Marriage Protection Act.”

Section 2. (a) Marriage is inherently a unique relationship between a man and a woman. As a matter of public policy, this state has a special interest in encouraging, supporting, and protecting the unique relationship in order to promote, among other goals, the stability and welfare of society and its children. A marriage contracted between individuals of the same sex is invalid in this state.

(b) Marriage is a sacred covenant, solemnized between a man and a woman, which, when the legal capacity and consent of both parties is present, establishes their relationship as husband and wife, and which is recognized by the state as a civil contract.

(c) No marriage license shall be issued in the State of Alabama to parties of the same sex.

(d) The State of Alabama shall not recognize as valid any marriage of parties of the same sex that occurred or was alleged to have occurred as a result of the law of any jurisdiction regardless of whether a marriage license was issued.

Section 3. This act shall become effective immediately upon its passage and approval by the Governor, or its otherwise becoming a law.

Those country bumpkins in Alabama have got it all wrong! Don’t they know that homosexual parents can be just as good at parenting as a married mother and father?

After all, some married heterosexual couples physically abuse their children, so therefore homosexual parents who adopt and do not physically abuse their children: 1. Justifies their homosexual marriage or domestic partnership; 2. Qualifies them to adopt children; and 3. Makes their homosexual relationship more wholesome and moral than traditional marriage.

This is how illogical and wacky immoral liberals think, and no less. Just ask the California Supreme Court!

Then, for the state of Alabama to have the gall to say what is best for society has to be the greatest affront:

Marriage is inherently a unique relationship between a man and a woman. As a matter of public policy, this state has a special interest in encouraging, supporting, and protecting the unique relationship in order to promote, among other goals, the stability and welfare of society and its children.

That’s discrimination! ACLU and NAMBLA, save us from this nonsense! How dare elected leadership create laws that lead us by way of descriptive wording of what we should and should not do.

Unfortunately, the majority of states, discriminatory as they are against gay marriage, forgot one very important detail in their legal wording. They overlooked the possibility that, despite decent and respectable folk knowing through common sense that lifelong, sexual pairing is only between a man and woman and that homosexuality is wrong, bespectacled legal perverts could add to the law new variations of human union like “domestic partnership” and tack on marriage-like responsibilites and legal benefits.

They did create that loophole, and like counterfeit currency devalues legitimate currency, “domestic partnership” and “civil union” arrangements are trashing real marriage (cwfa.org).

Only by the correct wording of marriage law that is updated concurrently with the circumventing of it, can a man and woman be led to the proper recognition by society of their love and their children. Here is one legal wording which strips the legal benefits from any union other than a man and a woman:

Section 1: Marriage in the United States, whether entered into within or outside of the United States, shall consist only of the legal union of one man and one woman. Every person has the right to marry a person of the opposite sex, subject to state laws based on age and consanguinity. Neither the United States nor any State, or subdivision thereof, shall confer any benefit, protection, right, or responsibility of marriage on unmarried couples, or groups.

Section 2: This article shall be self-executing, and citizens of the United States shall have standing to seek enforcement of this article in federal and state courts.

Section 3. Upon approval by Congress, this amendment shall be ratified if approved by convention in three-quarters of the states within a period not to exceed four years. —(cwfa.org)

The next step should be to further qualify the legal definition of marriage away from the anarchy that it currently is. This should be done, in part, by restoring fault divorce and placing limits on the number of times a person can marry, such as twice, like the country of Brazil had done.

The average citizen needs to do some work too, by hitting the street and denouncing those who pervert family and community order. If a man is disrespecting a woman, rebuke him. If a homosexual is practicing his filthy trade, admonish him on the spot.