Peasants! The time has come to cast aside our differences and divert our toothless snarls to pressing matters of the community!

A brief list of necessary laws and public projects has been proposed to raise Salisbury, Wicomico County, and the greater Transchoptankia Realm from their corruption and misery.

Within each department of Education, Town Planning, Government, and Crime outlined below are at least two precepts to consider. In truth, any one precept in any department that is enacted would be a touching of the brakes to the Transchoptankia Realm’s downward spiral. It would also be astounding, given the abject corruption of the politicians and the sheer ignorance of the citizens.

Thus, the “Bellwether of the Transchoptankia Realm” has been proclaimed!

1. Education:

—Dress uniform at all schools.

—Include unambiguous values throughout educational system: marital fidelity, honesty, kindness, bravery, thriftiness, cleanliness, etc.

2. Town Planning:

—A small to medium sized grocery store near downtown Salisbury plaza that does not sell lotto tickets, cigarettes, or degenerate magazines; instead showcasing a substantial selection of local goods and produce that is sold by a friendly local person.

—Convert at least half of the downtown parking lot to a native plant gardened public central green with benches, shaded walkways, and art pieces.

3. Government:

—Begin easily accessed, easily understandable, and transparent detailed accounting of government expenditures and methodology. Create a budget analyzing office charged with justifying and lessening government costs for the purpose of efficiency, long term value, and preserving the local economy — an office which is shielded from the contrary and empowered to oversee government financial matters.

—Require health and ethical standards for all political leaders, including no prior divorce, no womanizing or whoring, no homosexuality, no alcoholism or drug addictions, and no obesity, among other reasonable standards.

—Move city and county council rooms to a more prominent and visible location in downtown Salisbury that has large windows on ground level whereby any passerby may easily look in and see participatory democracy and intelligent public debate.

4. Crime:

—Fine parents of children committing crimes.

—Gang injunctions. Youth curfews.

—Inmate work camps growing crops and manufacturing products. Vocational training for inmates.

—Ban repeat offenders or notorious criminals from city or county limits.