First, a definition of terms, to wit: a brief description of the rude and inept characters that are involved in this striking eye witness account—
Transchoptankia Realm: Those lands of the eastern shores of Maryland and Virginia, and southern Delaware that contain the local peasantry and their corrupt politicians, Rapa Scrapple company, Johnny Janosik “The Longest Store on the Shore with the Shortest Prices” World of Furniture Galleries, and the vast Nutria infested swamps of the turbid Chesapeake Bay.
Outraged Richard: An incorrigible and impudent gentleman who spent 3 years incarcerated in Delmar Shady Acres Mental Institution and through overfeeding ballooned into a 437 pound 10 year old. Mr. Outraged was once married to a male prostitute but now regularly attends ex-homosexual group meetings, and is pleasantly engaged with a lady named The Italian Beauty. Mr. Outraged observes activities within the Transchoptankia Realm and elsewhere and comments on them in a predominantly dismissive and trite style. Often seen on streetcorners screaming about the merits of morality, his roadside audience has been thinning over the years. Mr. Outraged is no longer overweight, but many still question his sanity.
Joseph Albero: A height challenged divorced boy-man who sells lightbulbs part-time. The majority of his day is spent in reckless pursuit chronicling the ignorant, and sometimes exciting, lives of the peasants inhabiting greater Salisbury, MD with a disposable Kodak camera, by flashing a handwritten Scotch Taped™ press badge to gain entry to various events, and writing up the whole of it in a confused outpouring of misspellings, internet chat acronyms, and randomly chosen punctuation. Mr. Albero has an animal farm and hosts bi-monthly horse manure fired barbecues, to which Outraged Richard frequently attends.
William Duvall: A diapered and incontinent, often insolent, hag formerly of the lawyering profession who posts on the internet in cutesy legalese language of matters concerning the corrupt government of the Transchoptankia Realm. His latest profession during his twilight years of serving at the pleasure of the governor of Maryland was cut abruptly short when he aptly referred to illegal Latinos as “wetbacks”. Mr Duvall hosts elderly weekend get-togethers for Scrabble™ and Metamucil ®, to which no one attends.
Richard Pollitt: A gigantic man who was elected in 2006 to the office of Wicomico County Executive, and who also serves as the spokesperson and promoter of Dunkin’ Donuts™. Mr. Pollitt is often seen handing out powdered donuts to passerbys and encouraging them to do the same. Mr Pollitt is in the final stages of replacing the U.S. dollar in Wicomico County with the barter exchange power of a donut. Some in the community believe this to be a conflict of interest.
*** Breaking News Update—Eyewitness Account of Local Delmar Woman Purchasing Heel-lifts and Platform Shoes for Partner! ***
The sworn deposition from a man who calls himself Outraged Richard is as follows:
“I, Outraged Richard, swear on the City of Salisbury Charter that I witnessed one Ms. Jennifer Albero at Sam’s Club buying heel lifts and platform shoes for her partner Mr. Joseph Albero.
Initially, I thought the height lengthening accoutrements were for herself, until I overheard the Sam’s Club shoe salesman tell her, ‘He’ll certainly like this new gel heel lifter I have for him. Less corns and bunions and ankle pains.’
Next, I swear to you, the salesman pulled out something he called the “Pollitt Pump” platform shoe.
From the conversation I gathered that Mr. Albero had worn these 7 inch platform shoes when he met with County Executive Richard Pollitt, but the platform shoes only brought Mr. Albero up to 5 feet 9 inches.
Now get this: The salesman had added a 1 inch special gel heel lift to the platform shoe, on special instructions from Mr. Albero who wanted another extra inch in height! I was in shock at this point and had to duck down another aisle to compose myself from the ludicrousness of what I had been subjected to.
I thought to myself, ‘Hmm… this heel lift and platform shoe business is eerily similar to Kim Jong-il’s Platform Shoes.‘
While I was reflecting on the joint stability of Mr. Albero’s ankles high up on those shoes, and that it must be worse than the highest of ladies high heels, I received another startle to my poor heart—
Who did I see further down the aisle but the lawyering gentleman William Duvall rummaging and wheezing about in the incontinence section!
You can bet your diabetic rolls of flab I made an exit from the store pronto, but not before the overhead loudspeaker blasted out, ‘Clean up on aisle 4! Associate Jesus Gonzalez! We’ve got some kind of liquid spill… Make that a mop up!’
Sheesh! I’ll tell you this much: In my opinion, I would rather have a wet back than wet drawers!
Poor Mr. Duvall, I almost walked back into Sam’s Club to give him a clean and dry diaper, but I had other things to do. It was horse manure fired barbecue time at my friend Mr. Albero’s country estate and I’m never late for that.”
"Police in suburban Scottsdale [Arizona] have begun routinely asking for proof of citizenship from every suspect they arrest and turning those who are in this country illegally over to federal immigration officials.
Above Santa’s head, Wright has inscribed the words ‘Sumptum Fac Donec Consumptus Sis.’ Roughly translated, Wright said, it means ‘Shop till you drop.’
