Speculation has been mounting over the months that the man known as Outraged Richard has been actively seeking a decent and chaste woman to call his own.

Those familiar with the matter have it on good authority that Outraged Richard was seen intimately involved with a dark haired lady while walking along the promenade of Delmar, Delaware.

"Mr. Outraged had on a fine woolen dress suit of impeccable quality matched with a black top hat. The lovely lady wore a pearl colored dress with ruffled sleeves and white silk gloves," a Times on the Wicomico Ditch newspaper reporter described.

"Their hands were intertwined for the majority of the walk," the reporter added.

When telephoned the next morning, Outraged Richard was gracious enough to allow an interview concerning the sighting, provided that it be available to all mankind regardless of color or creed.

Mr. Outraged went on to affirm the particulars:

'Tis true. I am now engaged in pleasant conversation and more than amiable interest in a fine lady I have spoken of before.

Her name is The Italian Beauty and she is the very manifestation of feminine delicateness and beauty. Her heart hath an openess of strength and forgiveness, enough so that she bears my absurdities yet admonishes me on frequent occasion.

She is, as one might expect, of Italian descent and carries on the various characteristics of that culture. The most significant of which is her belief in Catholicism and its good principles — minus the pederasty. I have no qualms with this, as I consider myself a God fearing Christian man as well.

"This is a good essential start to a lover's relationship", we tell each other about our common religious beliefs, and if I may reveal an intimacy with the peasants: we often whisper such revelations to one another, though I sometimes include a nibble on her ear.

Other characteristics of her Italian culture involve food and this we have met with some disagreement on. Several times whilst picnicking along the twining river of Pemberton, I take the cover off a large cauldron she hath prepared and stare in fear at a prodigious mixture of noodles, marinara sauce, and cheeses cooked in a base of cream.

"Oh, my!" I always say. "Dearest lady, such a delicious feast! But pray, only dish me out a little for the food seems to, ah… be of a fullness that surely will elegantly satisfy me in due time."

Despite my meek pleas, my fairest always ladles me with multiple servings, and thus the blood in my body begins to accumulate about my digestive organs. By the third serving my mind begins its usual wilt, as my heart is directing the majority of my life fluid to my stomach and my brain is provided with but a trickle.

These food adventures I endure since they are not usual and my lady never plys me for favors in my reduced state of mind, and this I greatly appreciate for I know her heart is pure and without manipulative malice.

I am providing the general public with a snapshot of her in the kitchen in disbelief at one or another oddity of mine.

'Tis also true that we are holding hands and quite delighted in doing so. I remark to her often of the grace of her hand, the luster of her nails, and the exquisiteness of her wrist. She hath not shown me her elbow, but I am certain that come the time the joint shall be excellently hinged.

On another occasion I shall speak of other particulars, including my asking of her parents to court her, but let us dwell on these tidbits I have provided here and gladden at the foulness of past relationships that the Outraged One hath overcome and the melting of his heart with this one so fair.

Go now and favor those you hold dear…