White women across America are pouting into their doily handkerchiefs and craning their necks back to reassess their matchstick collarbones and shapeless rear ends after being made aware of a black woman who goes by the name Beyonce.

Some women, like white homemaker Suzy Jane Timmons, are joining exercise gyms and eating more food in response.

“I looked at myself in the mirror a few months ago, spun around, and said ‘I have got to get some bump on my butt’,” explained Mrs. Timmons.

“It was so easy to get my sagging behind and frail shoulders strong again. I just did it — like that commercial, you know? Just do it.”

A man who called himself Outraged Richard interrupted the interview and spoke into the microphone:

“That’s what I’m talking about! A black woman is more shapely than a white woman. Stronger too. There’s no way I would want a white woman in the war trenches with me, but that’s what they might do to me with all that women’s rights crap,” Mr. Outraged remarked.

“Take a look at this. You tell me…” Mr. Outraged announced while pulling out a small color LCD TV.

“Case closed!” Outraged Richard declared.

“I’ll say also that a black woman can cook better than some pasty faced frightened white woman. When it comes time for chow and we’re in the middle of a firefight, I know we’ll be eating some good chicken and collard greens, not some Rice-A-Roni and cottage cheese or whatever those white women cook. We can really take it to the enemy on a meal like that.”