Salisbury University President Dr. Janet Dudley-Eshbach, Ph.D. called an emergency press forum on the steps of Holloway Hall yesterday to respond to allegations of racist and lewd pictures and remarks she had posted on her profile at Facebook.com.

The small gathering of dignitaries, press, and local peasants grew steadily restless as a half hour passed beyond the appointed forum time, but then the rumbling of the President’s double wheeled Ford 350 SuperCab was heard and they pressed forward to have a closer stare.

The exiting of the President from the vehicle, as witnessed by SU freshman and physics major Jimmy Renshaw, was, as he put it, “most interesting”.

Mr. Renshaw commented further, after a brief stuttering bout: “She refused help from her driver and proceeded to lurch forwards and backwards in the car seat, getting the reinforced shocks and springs of the truck to enhance her bouncing motion.”

“Then with one great jump up and a swinging of her arms outwards and to the side, she shifted and threw her body mass out the truck door and landed firmly on the curb.”

Mr. Renshaw added after a thoughtful ponder, “I have never seen such inventiveness of movement or state of grace.”

Dr. Janet Dudley-Eshbach, Ph.D. succeeded in ascending the steps in several minutes time by determination on her brow and bowleggedness in her stride, and with sweated sheen and gasping breath grabbed a bullhorn with her meaty hand and blasted out her speech:

“Lords and ladies, press and peasants, we have come here on this sullen overcast day to recognize the International Citizens who purposefully strive in newfound lands, to recognize the destitute Negro that toils against his nature for an education, to recognize nature’s sexuality and means employed thereof as equal and no better than any other means—”

“But what does that have to do with the fact that you posted a picture and caption of yourself on Facebook.com beating an illegal Mexican immigrant with a stick?” interrupted WBOC reporter Weijia Jiang.

“What does that have to do with you captioning a photograph of a Tapir’s genitalia with the phrase ‘Animal with world’s largest [penis]’?”

“Let me explain these troubling events you refer to, but first… Uh, I would like to complement Orientals in general on getting ahead in the workplace,” said the flustered President.

“Stuff it, you blown up sausage casing!” fired back Weijia Jiang. “I’m not Oriental, I’m Asian, but more importantly—I’m an American and I achieved success on my own!”

“Frankly, as an Asian I find your circumference and eating habits disgusting. If you are so appreciative of Asian people, then you would know that we eat healthy food and are slim. Why don’t you stop stuffing your fat face with spare ribs and Pepsi, and eat more vegetables and drink unsweetened tea?”

“How about honoring the Kyoto Protocol and reducing your carbon footprint instead of guzzling gas and exhausting around in a Ford 350 SuperCab?”

Salisbury University President Dr. Janet Dudley-Eshbach, Ph.D. sucked in her protruding belly, tucked her chin, cast her beady eyes down at the reporter, drew back a beefy arm with drooping bicep to pound the little Asian to oblivion and screamed back in infuriation:

“We’ve done all we can for these people! We’ve given in-state tuition for border challenged International Citizens! We’ve held the hand of the Negro like a child that needs guidance! We’ve equated the sexes, and created a haven here at Salisbury University for homosexuals, transgender people, nymphomaniacs, alcoholics, and for other alternative lifestyles!”

“Goodness me! We’ve proven that females can booze and screw just as well as the males! How dare you!” Dudley-Eshbach, Ph.D. bellowed.

“Nay, foul woman! Stay your hand! For this decent lady is under my protection and it will do you ill to harm her!” over-bellowed a man in the crowd later identified as Outraged Richard, the fearsome protector of the peasants and the common good.

“Dudley-Eshbach, Ph.D.! You are a padded shouldered brute whose man hands have wrung the life out of those poor little Myspacer students at Salisbury University and reduced their minds to porridge.”

“Attacking a poor illegal Mexican in a vicious racial attack comes as no surprise to me!”

“This racked and ruined accursed Eastern Shore of Maryland not only has racial problems, the infirm people inhabiting it have serious obesity problems as well! Despite this, I once admired you as my Fat Wonder Woman!” Outraged Richard lamented.

“What a disgraceful role model you are, Dudley-Eshbach, Ph.D. — for students, for the Salisbury community, for weight challenged people, and especially for comely women to look up to.”

“Where are these racist, lewd and intolerable pictures and captions? Let the citizens see this slovenly and racist brute in full spectral color!” Outraged Richard hoarsely shouted.

Powerful words were mightily exchanged betwixt the interested parties and as a full scale melee was about to unfold a single man, strongly built with barrel chest and iron grip, shouldered himself out of the incensed multitute, stood up and announced his name and cause: “Getter Dunn, butcher by trade and I offer up a solution.”

Sweeping his hand towards the crowd he called out, “You peasants know my hand is skilled and I cutteth the fat efficiently away.”

Many heads nodded.

Getter Dunn continued, “So then, if the brute known as Salisbury University President Dudley-Eshbach, Ph.D., etcetera, etcetera, will submit to my hand after making a final apology to those destitute people she so greviously offended, I shall flay the bulk of her blubber from her frame and send it freight airmail to Africa to feed those unfortunate people who cry out at the meagerness of their table.”

“Is there a more noble cause for this brute than giving her excess bulk to a charitable cause? I ask you!”

…To Be Continued