A few quick questions to ask your church's religious representative so as to make your first step into the hallowed halls a positive step:

Heavy hitters:

What is the church's belief on sex before marriage, divorce, abortion, and homosexuality? Does the church body carry on in hypocrisy? Clue: Look for a generally resounding "No" on all counts.

Light fare:

Is there a dress code? Are tank tops, beach shorts, mini-skirts, jeans, beach sandals, exposed breasts, and rebellious hairstyles tolerated? Clue: Observe the people as they walk to and fro and congregate. Is the church a fashion or social show?

Humor check:

Father, what time is the blessing of the homosexuals? Clue: Look for a brightening of the eyes, a thoughtful countenance, then a belly roaring slap on the back.