Mrs. Pumphrey: You are such a dear for visiting Tricky Woo and I in the English countryside. It is such a long way from Delmar! Say "Hello" to Tricky Woo, Uncle Richie!

Outraged Richard: Hello Tricky, how are you? (Outraged Richard hopefully but tentatively reaches over to pet the Pekingese)

Tricky Woo:  Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! … Chomp!

Outraged Richard: Ouch! That thing should be euthan… (his words trail off, lowering in volume)

Mrs. Pumphrey: Pardon me? What did Uncle Richie say, Tricky Woo?

Outraged Richard: The kinder version is that people should not have pets. Honestly, I have never met a pet owner who was not mentally handicapped in some significant and social way.

Mrs. Pumphrey: Why, I never… In all my years of exceedingly pleasant visits and conversations with you, this is… shame on you. You are a terrible, terrible man, isn't he Tricky Woo?

Tricky Woo: Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap!

Outraged Richard: Lady, hold your tongue and wait until I am finished! That goes for your intolerable mutt as well.

Outraged Richard: Pets serve a vain and pompous need in humans. I make an important distinction between "pets" and "animals of work". There is a gulf of a difference between the two. Animals of work serve a worthwhile need of humans which we see in plow horses, guide dogs, sheep herding dogs, ratter cats, and other animals who can form an important bond with humans if appreciated and respected for the help to humans they provide.

Tricky Woo: Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap!

Outraged Richard: Quiet down, beast! You are a genetically modified fluff ball good for nothing but lap sitting! I'll have none of your lip, or by God I'll tan your hide and turn you into a throw pillow!

Mrs. Pumphrey: You've upset Tricky Woo! How dare you!

Outraged Richard: Pumphrey, I just wish you would shut your big yapper! (A dish crashes down in the China display cabinet in the background) Oh, for crying out loud! I am so sorry, Mrs. Pumphrey. I know that dish set came from your great grandmother who once served the Queen tea and crumpets with them.

Mrs. Pumphrey: (Sobbing) It's ruined, ruined. How could you…?

Outraged Richard: There, there, woman. We'll go around to the flea market in Thirsk and pick up another dish. They must have plenty of them. Last weekend I was there and saw a "Pick Any Three For 10 Pounds" sale.

Mrs. Pumphrey: (Sobbing more now, the dog's fur is getting soaked through. Tricky Woo is wimpering and twisting his head back to look at his matted fur)

Outraged Richard: Come now. That accessory on your lap is starting to look like a drowned rat.

Mrs. Pumphrey: Oh, heavens! Look at Tricky Woo! This won't do! (She quickly shuffles off to the side and retrieves a fireplace bellows) Now, Uncle Richie, hold Tricky Woo and I will dry him off with the bellows. Look sharp now, Tricky Woo is not very happy and we wouldn't want that would we?

Outraged Richard: I suppose not. (He holds the shivering dog out at arm's length and Mrs. Pumphrey energetically applies the bellows to the dog and quicky runs out of breath but continues her struggling labors)

Outraged Richard: As I was saying, this accursed thing is no good. There are plenty of activities to devote yourself to rather than watching a Chihuahua prancing around on the carpet and yipping for food pellets.

Mrs. Pumphrey: Tricky Woo, did you hear what that terrible man called you? A Chihuahua! What an unkempt and classless breed of dog! The Pekingese were meant to be the ruling class of all other dogs. King Tricky Woo! Would you like that Woo Woo?

Outraged Richard: Whatever, they all look the same to me. Couldn't you get out in society and involve yourself with human beings more? Join a social club, play bridge, help a school child with their homework, volunteer for a good cause? Walk around the countryside and appreciate the natural animal life?

To be continued…