Men, I tell you a woman is not a pegboard and her womb is not a vestige.

Now when a man is bound to a woman finally and has proved himself to be patient and honorable, and the woman proved herself chaste, let these lovers pleasure each other within holy matrimony. 

Hearken gentle souls! Do not dissolve the purity of the bodily relations of sacred marriage!

Therefore, do not violate your wife by committing lewd acts on her. Let her speak freely and plainly without any obstructions in her mouth. Is not a woman an equal in mind and spirit and conversation to a man? Men, listen to your wife for she will help you much - do not stuff her mouth with anything, especially food.

Furthermore, let your woman's rump be relieved of bodily excess naturally and regularly. Good food which is digested and cast down through the bowels should exit pleasantly and without any intrusion upward.

Women, a man is not an ice cream cone to be licked and fussed over. Do not take your husband's manhood in your mouth but readily clasp him with your hands and womb to please him greatly.

Cast away all your things and trinkets that would usurp the touch of your lover! Men, is not the beauty and suppleness of your wife's body enough? Women, is not your husband's strength and caresses enough? 

Men, lay your hands and kisses on your wife and please her in this way until it is time to enter the womb. Respect your wife and the creative powers you both hold, thanks be to God. Let not your love making be excessive or dour, for in the right amount of vigor and reflection upon your spouse there is pure bliss.

Mrs. Pumphrey: You are such a dear for visiting Tricky Woo and I in the English countryside. It is such a long way from Delmar! Say "Hello" to Tricky Woo, Uncle Richie!

Outraged Richard: Hello Tricky, how are you? (Outraged Richard hopefully but tentatively reaches over to pet the Pekingese)

Tricky Woo:  Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap! … Chomp!

Outraged Richard: Ouch! That thing should be euthan… (his words trail off, lowering in volume)

Mrs. Pumphrey: Pardon me? What did Uncle Richie say, Tricky Woo?

Outraged Richard: The kinder version is that people should not have pets. Honestly, I have never met a pet owner who was not mentally handicapped in some significant and social way.

Mrs. Pumphrey: Why, I never… In all my years of exceedingly pleasant visits and conversations with you, this is… shame on you. You are a terrible, terrible man, isn't he Tricky Woo?

Tricky Woo: Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap!

Outraged Richard: Lady, hold your tongue and wait until I am finished! That goes for your intolerable mutt as well.

Outraged Richard: Pets serve a vain and pompous need in humans. I make an important distinction between "pets" and "animals of work". There is a gulf of a difference between the two. Animals of work serve a worthwhile need of humans which we see in plow horses, guide dogs, sheep herding dogs, ratter cats, and other animals who can form an important bond with humans if appreciated and respected for the help to humans they provide.

Tricky Woo: Yip! Yip! Yap! Yap!

Outraged Richard: Quiet down, beast! You are a genetically modified fluff ball good for nothing but lap sitting! I'll have none of your lip, or by God I'll tan your hide and turn you into a throw pillow!

Mrs. Pumphrey: You've upset Tricky Woo! How dare you!

Outraged Richard: Pumphrey, I just wish you would shut your big yapper! (A dish crashes down in the China display cabinet in the background) Oh, for crying out loud! I am so sorry, Mrs. Pumphrey. I know that dish set came from your great grandmother who once served the Queen tea and crumpets with them.

Mrs. Pumphrey: (Sobbing) It's ruined, ruined. How could you…?

Outraged Richard: There, there, woman. We'll go around to the flea market in Thirsk and pick up another dish. They must have plenty of them. Last weekend I was there and saw a "Pick Any Three For 10 Pounds" sale.

Mrs. Pumphrey: (Sobbing more now, the dog's fur is getting soaked through. Tricky Woo is wimpering and twisting his head back to look at his matted fur)

Outraged Richard: Come now. That accessory on your lap is starting to look like a drowned rat.

Mrs. Pumphrey: Oh, heavens! Look at Tricky Woo! This won't do! (She quickly shuffles off to the side and retrieves a fireplace bellows) Now, Uncle Richie, hold Tricky Woo and I will dry him off with the bellows. Look sharp now, Tricky Woo is not very happy and we wouldn't want that would we?

Outraged Richard: I suppose not. (He holds the shivering dog out at arm's length and Mrs. Pumphrey energetically applies the bellows to the dog and quicky runs out of breath but continues her struggling labors)

Outraged Richard: As I was saying, this accursed thing is no good. There are plenty of activities to devote yourself to rather than watching a Chihuahua prancing around on the carpet and yipping for food pellets.

Mrs. Pumphrey: Tricky Woo, did you hear what that terrible man called you? A Chihuahua! What an unkempt and classless breed of dog! The Pekingese were meant to be the ruling class of all other dogs. King Tricky Woo! Would you like that Woo Woo?

Outraged Richard: Whatever, they all look the same to me. Couldn't you get out in society and involve yourself with human beings more? Join a social club, play bridge, help a school child with their homework, volunteer for a good cause? Walk around the countryside and appreciate the natural animal life?

To be continued…

I say to you that a man and woman who bind their hearts together in holy matrimony are forever entwined.

Therefore, all you men who have cast an eye to the neighbor woman's rear or you women who have become discouraged with your husband's lack of repose and claim your marriage to be dissolved for such short of breath reasons, take heed!

Are there not solutions to problems, help for the confused, hope for the discouraged? 

I tell you to breath deeply and draw in cleaner air than that malignant air that causes purity to be split asunder. Breath no more of your pride, your prejudices, and your feeble desires, and go back to your husband or wife with renewed patience and love.

To all of you who have falsely remarried or are twiddling your thumbs after divorce or separation, know this: Marriage is not jest but permanence.

Return to each other with a renewed heart of love, patience, devotion and forgiveness.