Upon my death, if those of you who would be so kind as to look after my carcass and arrange a simple funeral and headstone with epitaph I would be most grateful. A plain sanded native grown American Pine casket will do nicely, the lid to be hammered down with nails made in Communist China.

And if I may be so forward to request a lady of large girth singing an emotion stirring operatic hymn, and a preacher boldly and sternly sermonizing with flecks of spittle and froth cascading from his mouth, I would be profoundly appreciative.

I would like to have my facial expression arranged in a look of shock but with a softening amount of powder and paint applied so as not to upset the casket viewers. My funeral dress should consist of Richard Simmons type high cut nylon athletic shorts, an American made wife beater top spotted with real mustard and catsup stains, and high soled white athletic shoes made in China.

The tombstone and epitaph should read as follows: (Click Here for Full Absurdity)