Black Friday, as it is called, one of the busiest shopping days of the year, overloaded Americans with even more stuff to clog their lives with. Wal-Mart won hands down as the retailer shoving the most junk down people’s throats.

A man who calls himself Outraged Richard partook in the materialistic celebration, and the following story is quoted verbatim as he related it to a throng of raving elementary children:

I was standing in line at the behemoth Wal-Mart waiting for a chance to grab several items: a Fisher Price Super 6 Volt Sport Tracker ATV for $99.99, a Regal 34 piece Non-Stick Cookware Set for $28.36, and a My Scene Barbie with Vespa Scooter for $6.46.

As soon as the mega-store opened for business I made a run for the Tracker ATV in thinking the younger and more spry among the degenerate Wal-Mart crowd would be the first to get their clutching little hands on this particular item.

Sprinting in front of the older and fatter customers, I soon found myself neck and neck with a wee lad not 4 feet high who was evidently an accomplished runner. I slyly let him take the lead and as soon as he slowed to round a corner I delivered an enormous back of the neck clothesline, picked him up by the breech of his pants and hurled him down a perpendicular aisle.

Rounding the next bend at full gait with the newly acquired Tracker now under my arm, I could see an obese middle aged lady approaching the Regal Cookware section. At full tilt, and shouting “Nooo… it’s mine!” I launched myself into the air.

With one fist outstretched and the Tracker under my other arm, I punched her sagging gut with such velocity she dropped everything in her possession except a 2 Quart Round Slow Cooker for $4.86 which she had in a death grip. This Slow Cooker was of no concern to me, only the Regal Cookware Set which I quickly swooped up.

I knew here on out it was a simple mop up operation because no 8 year old little girl was going to outsmart me on the My Scene Barbie with Vespa Scooter for $6.46. True to my previous planning, while the little girl was clutching and preoccupied with the Barbie, I flew at her with my newly aquired bulky items outstretched in each hand and mightily clapped them like a pair of cymbals on either side of her head.

I gathered up my winnings and proceeded to the checkout line, reflecting on what a productive day it had been… at least for me.